Tom Stoppard Plays 3 Read online

  BROWN: I must congratulate you on your hospital, it’s a lovely place you run here. Everyone is so nice.

  MATRON: Well, thank you, Mr Brown. I’m glad you feel at home.

  (MAGGIE takes Brown’s tray.)

  BROWN: I never felt it there. Very good breakfast. Just what the doctor ordered. I hope he got a bit of a lie-in.

  (MAGGIE exits with the tray, closing the door.)

  MATRON: Now, what’s your problem, Mr Brown?

  BROWN: I have no problems.

  MATRON: Your complaint.

  BROWN: I have no complaints either. Full marks.

  MATRON: Most people who come here have something the matter with them.

  BROWN: That must give you a lot of extra work.

  MATRON: But it’s what we’re here for. You see, you can’t really stay unless there’s something wrong with you.

  BROWN: I can pay.

  MATRON: That’s not the point.

  BROWN: What is the point?

  MATRON: This is a hospital. What are you after?

  BROWN: (Sadly) My approach is too straightforward. An ordinary malingerer or a genuine hypochondriac wouldn’t have all this trouble. They’d be accepted on their own terms. All I get is a lot of personal questions. (Hopefully.) Maybe I could catch something … But what difference would it make to you?

  MATRON: We have to keep the beds free for people who need them.

  BROWN: I need this room.

  MATRON: I believe you, Mr Brown – but wouldn’t another room like this one do? Somewhere else? You see, we deal with physical matters – of the body –

  BROWN: There’s nothing wrong with my mind. You won’t find my name on any list.

  MATRON: I know.

  BROWN: (Teasing) How do you know?

  (She doesn’t answer.)

  Go for the obvious, it’s worth considering. I know what I like: a nice atmosphere – good food – clean rooms – no demands – cheerful staff – Well, it’s worth the price. I won’t be any trouble.

  MATRON: Have you thought of going to a nice country hotel?

  BROWN: Different kettle of fish altogether. I want to do nothing, and have nothing expected of me. That isn’t possible out there. It worries them. They want to know what you’re at – staying in your room all the time – they want to know what you’re doing. But in a hospital it is understood that you’re not doing anything, because everybody’s in the same boat – it’s the normal thing.

  MATRON: But there’s nothing wrong with you!

  BROWN: That’s why I’m here. If there was something wrong with me I could get into any old hospital – free. As it is, I’m quite happy to pay for not having anything wrong with me.

  MATRON: But what do you want to do here?

  BROWN: Nothing.

  MATRON: You’ll find that very boring.

  BROWN: One must expect to be bored, in a hospital.

  MATRON: Have you been in a hospital quite a lot?

  BROWN: No. I’ve been saving up for it … (He smiles.)

  SCENE 5

  The hospital office. The DOCTOR is phoning at a desk.

  DOCTOR: No luck? … Oh. Well, I don’t know. The only plan we’ve got is to bore him out of here, but he’s disturbingly self-sufficient … Mmmm, we’ve had a psychiatrist over … Well, he seemed amused … Both of them, actually; they were both amused … No, I shouldn’t do that, he won’t tell you anything. And there’s one of our nurses – she’s getting on very well with him … something’s bound to come out soon …

  SCENE 6

  Brown’s ward. BROWN is in bed with a thermometer in his mouth. MAGGIE is taking his pulse. She removes the thermometer, scans it and shakes it.

  MAGGIE: I’m wasting my time here, you know.

  BROWN: (Disappointed) Normal?

  MAGGIE: You’ll have to do better than that if you’re going to stay.

  BROWN: You’re breaking my heart, Maggie.

  MAGGIE: (Almost lovingly) Brownie, what are you doing to do with yourself?

  BROWN: Maggie, Maggie … Why do you want me to do something?

  MAGGIE: They’ve all got theories about you, you know.

  BROWN: Theories?

  MAGGIE: Train robber.

  BROWN: That’s a good one.

  MAGGIE: Embezzler.

  BROWN: Naturally.

  MAGGIE: Eccentric millionaire.

  BROWN: Wish I was. I’d have my own hospital, just for myself – with nurses, doctors, rubber floors, flowers, stretchers parked by the elevators, clean towels and fire regulations …

  MAGGIE: It’s generally agreed you’re on the run.

  BROWN: No, I’ve stopped.

  MAGGIE: I think you’re just lazy.

  BROWN: I knew you were the clever one.

  MAGGIE: (Troubled, soft) Tell me what’s the matter, Brownie?

  BROWN: I would if there was.

  MAGGIE: What do you want to stay here for, then?

  BROWN: I like you.

  MAGGIE: You didn’t know I was here.

  BROWN: That’s true. I came for the quiet and the routine. I came for the white calm, meals on trays and quiet efficiency, time passing and bringing nothing. That seemed enough. I never got it down to a person. But I like you – I like you very much.

  MAGGIE: Well, I like you too, Brownie. But there’s more in life than that.

  (MATRON enters.)

  MATRON: Good morning.

  BROWN: Good morning, Matron.

  MATRON: And how are we this morning?

  BROWN: We’re very well. How are you?

  MATRON: (Slightly taken aback) I’m all right, thank you. Well, are you enjoying life?

  BROWN: Yes, thank you, Matron.

  MATRON: What have you been doing?

  BROWN: Nothing.

  MATRON: Now really, Mr Brown, this won’t do, you know. Wouldn’t you like to get up for a while? Have a walk in the garden? There’s no reason why you shouldn’t.

  BROWN: No, I suppose not. But I didn’t come here for that. I must have walked thousands of miles, in my time.

  MATRON: It’s not healthy to stay in bed all day.

  BROWN: What do the other patients do?

  MATRON: The other patients are here because they are not well.

  BROWN: I thought patients did things … (Vaguely) made things.

  MATRON: I suppose you wouldn’t like to make paper flowers?

  BROWN: What on earth for? You’ve got lots of real ones.

  MATRON: You haven’t got any.

  BROWN: Well, no one knows I’m here.

  MATRON: Then you must tell somebody.

  BROWN: I don’t want them to know.

  MATRON: Who?

  BROWN: Everybody.

  MATRON: You’ll soon get tired of sitting in bed.

  BROWN: Then I’ll sit by the window. I’m easily pleased.

  MATRON: I can’t let you languish away in here. You must do something.

  BROWN: (Sighs) All right. What?

  MATRON: We’ve got basket-weaving …?

  BROWN: Then I’ll be left alone, will I?

  SCENE 7

  The hospital office. The DOCTOR is on the phone.

  DOCTOR: Well, I don’t know – how many John Browns are there in Somerset House? … Good grief! … Of course, if it’s any consolation it may not be his real name … I know it doesn’t help … That’s an idea, yes … His fingerprints … No, no, I’ll get them on a glass or something – Well, he might have been in trouble some time …

  SCENE 8

  Brown’s ward. BROWN is working on a shapeless piece of basketry.

  MATRON enters.

  MATRON: What is it?

  BROWN: Basketwork.

  MATRON: But what is it for?

  BROWN: Therapy.

  MATRON: You’re making fun of me.

  BROWN: It is functional on one level only. If that. You’d like me to make a sort of laundry basket and lower myself in it out of the window. That would be functional on two levels. At least.<
br />
  (Regards the mess sadly.) And I’m not even blind.

  (MATRON silently dispossesses BROWN of his basketry.)

  MATRON: What about painting, Mr Brown?

  (That strikes a chord.)

  BROWN: Painting … I used to do a bit of painting.

  MATRON: Splendid. Would you do some for me?

  BROWN: Paint in here?

  MATRON: Nurse Coates will bring you materials.

  BROWN: What colours do you like?

  MATRON: I like all colours. Just paint what you fancy. Paint scenes from your own life.

  BROWN: Clever! Should I paint my last place of employment?

  MATRON: I’m trying to help you.

  BROWN: I’m sorry. I know you are. But I don’t need help. Everything’s fine for me. (Pause.) Would you like me to paint the countryside?

  MATRON: Yes, that would be nice.

  SCENE 9

  The hospital office. The DOCTOR is on the phone.

  DOCTOR: No … well, we haven’t got anything against him really. He’s not doing any harm. No, he pays regularly. We can’t really refuse … He’s got lots left …

  SCENE 10

  Brown’s ward. BROWN is painting a landscape all aver one wall. He hasn’t got very far, but one sees the beginnings of a simple pastoral scene, competent but amateurish. MAGGIE enters, carrying cut flowers in a vase.

  MAGGIE: Hello – (She notices.)

  BROWN: I’ll need some more paint.

  MAGGIE: (Horrified) Brownie! I gave you drawing paper!

  BROWN: I like space. I like the big sweep – the contours of hills all flowing.

  MAGGIE: Matron will have a fit.

  BROWN: What are the flowers?

  MAGGIE: You don’t deserve them.

  BROWN: Who are they from?

  MAGGIE: Me.

  BROWN: Maggie!

  MAGGIE: I didn’t buy them.

  BROWN: Pinched them?

  MAGGIE: Picked them.

  BROWN: A lovely thought. Put them over there. I should bring you flowers.

  MAGGIE: I’m not ill.

  BROWN: Nor am I. Do you like it?

  MAGGIE: Very pretty.

  BROWN: I’m only doing it to please Matron really. I could do with a bigger brush. There’s more paint, is there? I’ll need a lot of blue. It’s going to be summer in here.

  MAGGIE: It’s summer outside. Isn’t that good enough for you?

  (BROWN stares out of the window: gardens, flowers, trees, hills.)

  BROWN: I couldn’t stay out there. You don’t get the benefits.

  MAGGIE: (Leaving) I’ll have to tell Matron, you know.

  BROWN: You don’t get the looking after. And the privacy. (He considers.) I’ll have to take the curtains down.

  SCENE 11

  The hospital office.

  MATRON: What did the psychiatrist think?

  DOCTOR: He likes him.

  MATRON: (Sour) He’s likeable.

  DOCTOR: (Thoughtfully) I just thought I’d let him stay the night. I wanted to go back to bed and it seemed the easiest thing to do. I thought that in the morning … Well, I’m not sure what I thought would happen in the morning.

  MATRON: He’s not simple – he’s giving nothing away. Not even to Nurse Coates.

  DOCTOR: Well, keep her at it.

  MATRON: She doesn’t need much keeping.

  SCENE 12

  Brown’s ward. BROWN has painted a whole wall and is working on a second one. MAGGIE sits on the bed.

  MAGGIE: That was when I started nursing, after that.

  BROWN: Funny. I would have thought your childhood was all to do with ponies and big stone-floored kitchens …

  MAGGIE: Goes to show. What was your childhood like?

  BROWN: Young … I wish I had more money.

  MAGGIE: You’ve got a lot. You must have had a good job …?

  BROWN: Centre forward for Arsenal.

  MAGGIE: You’re not fair! You don’t give me anything in return.

  BROWN: This painting’s for you, Maggie … If I’d got four times as much money, I’d take four rooms and paint one for each season. But I’ve only got money for the summer.

  MAGGIE: What will you do when it’s gone?

  BROWN: (Seriously) I don’t know. Perhaps I’ll get ill and have to go to a hospital. But I’ll miss you, Maggie.

  MAGGIE: If you had someone to look after you you wouldn’t have this trouble.

  BROWN: What trouble?

  MAGGIE: If you had someone to cook your meals and do your laundry you’d be all right, wouldn’t you?

  BROWN: It’s the things that go with it.

  MAGGIE: You should have got married. I bet you had chances.

  BROWN: Perhaps.

  MAGGIE: It’s not too late.

  BROWN: You don’t think so?

  MAGGIE: You’re attractive.

  BROWN: What are you like when you’re not in uniform? I can’t think of you not being a nurse. It belongs to another world I’m not part of any more.

  MAGGIE: What have you got about hospitals?

  BROWN: A hospital is a very dependable place. Anything could be going on outside. Since I’ve been in here – there could be a war on, and for once it’s got nothing to do with me. I don’t even know about it. Fire, flood and misery of all kinds, across the world or over the hill, it can go on, but this is a private ward; I’m paying for it. (Pause.) The meals come in on trays, on the dot – the dust never settles before it’s wiped – clean laundry at the appointed time – the matron does her round, not affected by anything outside. You need never know anything, it doesn’t touch you.

  MAGGIE: That’s not true, Brownie.

  BROWN: I know it’s not.

  MAGGIE: Then you shouldn’t try and make it true.

  BROWN: I know I shouldn’t.

  (Pause.)

  MAGGIE: Is that all there is to it, then?

  BROWN: You’ve still got theories?

  MAGGIE: There’s a new one. You’re a retired forger.

  BROWN: Ha! The money’s real enough.

  MAGGIE: I know.

  BROWN: How do you know?

  MAGGIE: (Shamefaced) They had it checked.

  (BROWN laughs.)

  BROWN: They’ve got to make it difficult. I’ve got to be a crook or a lunatic.

  MAGGIE: Then why don’t you tell them where you came from?

  BROWN: They want to pass me on. But they don’t know who to, or where. I’m happy here.

  MAGGIE: Haven’t you been happy anywhere else?

  BROWN: Yes. I had a good four years of it once.

  MAGGIE: In hospital?

  BROWN: No, that was abroad.

  MAGGIE: Where have you been?

  BROWN: All over. I’ve been among French, Germans, Greeks, Turks, Arabs …

  MAGGIE: What were you doing?

  BROWN: Different things in different places. (Smiles.) I was painting in France.

  MAGGIE: An artist?

  BROWN: Oh very. Green and brown. I could turn a row of tanks into a leafy hedgerow. Not literally. Worse luck.

  SCENE 13

  The hospital office. The DOCTOR is on the phone.

  DOCTOR: … He meant camouflage … Well, I realize that, but there are a number of points to narrow the field … Must be records of some kind … Service in France and Germany, probably Middle East …

  SCENE 14

  Brown’s ward. BROWN has painted two walls and is working on a third.

  MAGGIE: It’s very nice, Brownie. Perhaps you’ll be famous and people will come here to see your mural.

  BROWN: I wouldn’t let them in.

  MAGGIE: After you’re dead. In a hundred years.

  BROWN: Yes, they could come in then.

  MAGGIE: What will you do when you’ve finished the room?

  BROWN: Go back to bed. It’ll be nice in here. Hospital routine in a pastoral setting. That’s kind of perfection, really.

  MAGGIE: You could have put your bed in the garden.

&
nbsp; BROWN: What’s the date?

  MAGGIE: The twenty-seventh.

  BROWN: I’ve lasted well, haven’t I?

  MAGGIE: How old are you?

  BROWN: Twice your age.

  MAGGIE: Forty-four?

  BROWN: And more. (Looking close.) What are you thinking?

  MAGGIE: Before I was born, you were in the war.

  BROWN: (Moves) Yes. Private Brown.

  MAGGIE: Was it awful being in the war?

  BROWN: I didn’t like the first bit. But in the end it was very nice.

  MAGGIE: What happened to you?

  BROWN: I got taken prisoner … Four years.

  MAGGIE: Is that when you were happy?

  BROWN: Yes … Funny thing, that camp. Up to then it was all terrible. Chaos – all the pins must have fallen off the map, dive bombers and bullets. Oh dear, yes. The camp was like breathing out for the first time in months. I couldn’t believe it. It was like winning, being captured. The war was still going on but I wasn’t going to it any more. They gave us food, life was regulated, in a box of earth and wire and sky. On my second day I knew what it reminded me of.

  MAGGIE: What?

  BROWN: Here. It reminded me of here.

  SCENE 15

  The hospital office. Present are the DOCTOR, MATRON and MAGGIE. The DOCTOR holding a big book – a record of admissions, his finger on a line.

  DOCTOR: John Brown. And an address. (To MAGGIE.) Well done.

  MAGGIE: (Troubled) But does it make any difference?

  MATRON: What was he doing round here?

  DOCTOR: Staying with relatives – or holiday, we can find out.

  MATRON: So long ago?

  DOCTOR: Compound fracture – car accident. The driver paid for him … Well, something to go on at last!

  MAGGIE: He hasn’t done anything wrong, has he?

  SCENE 16

  Brown’s ward. The painting nearly covers the walls. BROWN is finishing it off in one corner.